Walking from my favorite Thai restaurant to my car, a stranger says, “Excuse me do you have 50 cents?”
I turn. He’s a regular-looking guy, a little dirty, wearing a Red Sox T-shirt and a backpack. About my height and a beard like mine.
“50 cents?”
“Yeah.”
“What are you gonna buy with 50 cents?”
“Well, I have court in M----- and I need money to get there.”
“All you need is 50 cents?”
“To be totally honest, I want to buy a cold beer.”
“A beer is 50 cents?”
“It’s 1.50 so if I ask three people for 50 cents I’ll have a dollar fifty.”
“Ah, you have the math skills,” I say, and he smiles.
I don’t have fifty cents on me, but anyway, this man needs more than money.
“Just curious,” I say. “How long have you been out here?”
“Five or six weeks.”
“So you’re new to the game.”
Six weeks is a long time to be living outside, but not long compared to the others out here.
“I think it’s funny that you're asking me for fifty cents. I mean, it’s not a lot of money, and you seem like a regular guy. I’m 26, you look like one of my buddies from college. I’m like, homie is out here asking for fifty cents and looks like a normal ass dude.”
I wasn’t recording at this point, so I don’t remember his responses. He was a bit bamboozled that I was engaging him in conversation.
“So where do you sleep at night?”
He says the shelter is often full. It’s safer to walk around all night, then sleep during the day. He just woke up. It’s 3:07pm.
“Would you like to do a podcast?” I ask.
He takes a moment to process that.
“Yeah!” he says.
“Okay, how do I contact you?”
“I don’t have a phone, it got stolen.”
He takes off his backpack and shows me everything he has.
“I had a blanket, but that shit’s gone.”
He has a hoodie, a second pair of pants, snacks and deodorant—two sticks. Razors for shaving. And a knife.
No phone, no wallet, no nothin.
“Everything gets stolen,” he says. “I didn’t realize this. People out here are like dogs trying to take your food. At night, you have to be like, Hey get away!”
“Here, let’s just sit right here.”
We sit at a table on the sidewalk.
“How long have you been panhandling? I see people out here, and I wonder if that’s a decent way to make money.”
He says that sometimes he gets a few dollars.
“Are you like, ‘Okay, I’m going to do this,’ or are you like, I need to not be doing this?
He says he wants to not be doing this. I realize we can just do the podcast, right here, right now, despite music blaring in the background. I press record and put my phone on the table.
“Where do you start? Is there a path available for people?”
“I was seeing if I could go to rehab for alcohol to get on my two feet again, before court. Like I said, my wallet is stolen, and my insurance card was in there, so I forgot what insurance I had, and the number. So they're basically like, find that out. And then it's like, how do I find it out? I don't have a lot of resources to do that. So let's say someone's dying of some drug, like they're on heroin and stuff like that, it’s like, what do you do? You don’t you have insurance? We can't help you. You know what I mean? That's literally how bad it is out here.”
“They're asking you for a health insurance card?”
“Yeah, to get into rehab. So you can't just like walk in to rehab and be like, I need help.”
“Damn. That's a bummer. So, I'm curious, just alcohol? Alcohol is your only vice? There's nothing else? I mean, there's gotta be something else.”
“I smoke weed and honestly, I’ve been doin drugs man, to cope. I'm not gonna lie, I'll tell you because obviously I don't want money from you anymore, just talking to you as a person, so I might as well be honest with you. I've been smoking like, methamphetamine a little bit to stay awake, um, a little heroin, honestly, smoking it. No one's telling me not to, if anything, everyone's telling me to!”
“Everyone's telling you to smoke heroin? What?”
“Yeah man, it's fucked up. Everyone does it in front of police. They don't even care about that. If you crack open a beer, they can knock it over. But if you're doing drugs in front of police, they can't do anything about it.”
“They can't? What? Why not?”
“Basically because there's like some law that protects like drug addicts, homeless drug addicts. Like they literally hand out like new crack pipes and syringes at the shelter to people.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“I feel like honestly it's terrible because you can buy like a crack pipe or whatever for a dollar at the store. So why should they give them out for free? Why should they endorse it? They just endorse. Like no one cares.
I don't use it like every day—I try not to.
Like one time, actually, this was when I first started a few weeks ago, trying it out, I had like an OD bro. I was like “Help! Ambulance!” and there's people walking by, police walked by, and they didn't do anything man.
It's kind of scary man, it's like... It's a scary world man, like the fact that... I've literally smoked crack in front of a police officer before. I've smoked in front of them. I've seen a shooting at the shelter, like a drive by shooting. No one was like shot, but like… stabbings, like... It's insane. M------ is out of control. It's like literally the worst place to be homeless.
Damn. Bummer. That sucks.
I know.
What's the move, dude? What's the next move?
“The next move is probably just gonna keep trying to ask people for money. But in my life, the next move... And I might take a nap somewhere it's sunny. Relax, you know?”
I breathe and look at him.
“In life though, try to get to court and then everything should be good from there. Even if I have to go to jail for a while. Once you go there, then they can hook you up with whatever they recommend. But in the meantime, it's kind of like this floating middle ground.”
You're waiting for court so you can go to jail so you can get help?
Yeah.
That fucking blows dude, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, that’s so shitty. But at least the weather's nice.
“Yeah, that's what I'm saying, so. And I've been to jail before, of course, R----- County, but, it's the only way, you know? Like, there's been times when I've… I steal from stores sometimes. I'll be like, hey, do you have any water? And they'll be like, no.
People say don't ask for money, so if I’m hungry, I’ll be like hey, can you give your leftovers? Nine out of ten people will say no. So my last resort is to go to Market Basket or Rite Aid, you know what I mean? And I'm good at it, I have a backpack, just walk in, walk out. But it's like, at the same time, I don't want to be that type of person. But I feel like I'm on this manic, like crazy, like, circle, you know?
And it's like, the way people sometimes treat me is just like…I try to respect people, you know? Not even about asking for money, just like anything, like going into a store, like hey, can I have some tap water? They're like, no get out. Just like automatically, you know. I don't let that get to me, because like people don't understand what it's like to be homeless. Maybe they do and they're just older.
They don't know, dude. Nobody knows. I've never been homeless. I have no idea. That's why I'm asking. I just have no idea. Obviously, in my life, I've seen like a lot of homeless people in Boston. I used to live in Oregon, in Portland, dude…So many homeless out West. So many people are just living in tents, chilling outside all day. I’ve never talked to them. I was going around, and I'm like, I kinda wanna see what the lifestyle is like, does it suck?
Sometimes. When the weather's bad, it sucks. And honestly, it’s such a small city.
Yeah, dude, it's tiny.
“It's pretty hard, honestly man, to get by. They block off a lot of the utility ports for phones a lot in some of the places. Which makes sense, but when you're actually homeless, you're like, damn.”
“If someone gave you a bunch of money, like you're walking, you find your wallet, someone put $1,000 in your wallet, what's the first move?”
“Probably get a new phone.”
“That's smart, smart move.”
“Get a blanket.”
“Very smart.”
“Socks, underwear.”
“You're hitting the essentials.”
“I'd probably get a bag of weed. Couple beers. With that much money…
Probably cocaine. Or like some stimulant. Just being honest.”
“Yeah.”
“Like a million reminders on my phone to make it to court.”
I laugh.
He starts singing the song coming from the bar behind us.
There’s no one like you. I can’t wait for the night with you!
“Good song. But… it helps when people give you a few dollars here and there. It makes the night more comfortable. Get something to eat, get your fix. But it's like, what I really want to do is, if someone actually gave me that much, not even a thousand, like three hundred dollars. I’d get a $25 track phone. A wallet. It doesn't even matter because I don't have my driver's license and all that. Try to get back to some kind of level of... connectability with the world again, where I can eventually contact the people I need to contact, you know, stuff like this.”
“Who do you need to contact?”
“Well, since my parents put a restraining order on me because of the simple assault thing…”
“Simple assault thing, you got in a fight, someone got punched.”
“Not even punched. My dad, like right here, he hit me with a dog leash and then I hit him back. And then we fought. They adopted me from Romania when I was like 10 months old. My dad was a pastor.”
“I didn't mean to derail the conversation, sorry.”
“No, no, no, you're good. It's good to talk about it.”
“So you want to call your parents if you got a phone?”
“Yeah. No, I can't even do that.”
“Okay.”
“But I would probably maybe contact…go and set up on Facebook, because I don’t even have social media. I would go on my email and look through old records of people I knew from the church. Contact them. Let them know what’s going on. There’s so many things you can do with a phone, and with resources, like money. But getting money is difficult. If I could be workin, I’d be workin.
You can work man. You might have to do under-the-stable stuff. If you were to work, I'm just curious, what kind of work?
I would do dishes for some Chinese restaurant, something low key, something like that. I don't have a lot of skills.
“I did dishes one time, it sucked. But it was okay. It wasn't brutal.”
“I used to do dishes for a year at Applebee's.”
“Applebee's. I was just there last night.”
How was it, what did you get? What'd you eat at Applebee's?
Last night?
Yeah.
Just a classic burger. It was alright. It was okay. You know, for 11 bucks it was fine.
Yeah, exactly. For me, ten dollars, back in the day, that’s nothing. Now it's like five dollars is so much money to me. It’s crazy.
The real money is in construction.
Before everything hit the fan, I was making like $19.50 an hour.
Hell yeah dude.
I was doing well, I just…I'll get out of this situation. It's just gonna take a couple weeks, you know. It's gonna take a little bit of time, but…I'm dedicated to getting out of this situation.
Cause my parents love me and stuff, you know.
That's sick.
Dude, life's painful, and then you try and cope with the pain by doing some drugs and then shit just goes so crazy, so fucking fast.
That’s the truth.
That's how I've been coping, honestly.
With the drugs, yeah. You can see exactly what the problem is. You end up out here, it sucks so bad, you have to use drugs, and the drugs are like a trap. It takes your money, and it takes your brain. If you don't have your brain and you don't have money, then you're completely fucked.
“Yeah, I mean, I try to be careful with them. I know that sounds stupid, but I try to be careful when I do them. How I do them, and with who I do them with. I don't do them all the time. I mean, I do them every day, but not all the time.
I feel like I’m not a drug addict, but I am right now. I just feel stuck, so I'm like, might as well get high? Which isn't the right thing to do, but…”
No, smart man, you know it’s not. You're in a shitty situation, it's obviously just for a couple more weeks, you're gonna go to court. If you show up to court, you know, they're probably gonna test your piss, and if they see you're not on drugs, they're gonna say, this is like a normal dude who is in a shit situation. So if you show up early, not on drugs, clean piss, they’re probably gonna be like, alright, we gotta help this guy.
Yeah, exactly. I wish I got help before all this happened, you know? But I didn't see it happening. I’m 25. I've been out here for a little less than two months, but the initial DUI happened actually last year. And then the build up of like... the anger inside of me. Because of losing my license. It caused me to drink so much.
I messed up dude.
“Where'd you grow up?”
“In -----, New Hampshire. It's like a small-ass town near ----.
“Dude, that's way out there.”
“Yeah, exactly.”
“You're out there, man, if you don't have a license, you're just stuck.”
I was stuck at my parents' house. I haven't really ever had that many friends in a while, since high school. So at least with a car I could go hang out with a girl here and there.
So without it, I was going insane bro, just like at home just like playing PS4 just like, fuck. I just lost my temper, started drinking way too much every day — still went to work. I was like desperate. Then they called the police when I lost my temper and here I am, dealing with the legal system a little bit. No felonies, I mean, simple assaults. I was talking to this one guy facing seven to ten years for a Grand Theft Auto charge. He stole a car.
You're in a spot where you have this opportunity to live a really good life and help a lot of people because the insight you have now, from these couple of months, I mean dude, you've learned so much.
Honestly, I'm happy today, you know? So it's like, I always try to stay positive. Like the little petty things, like, oh my gosh, did you turn off the Keurig this morning, Jim? Like, at least you have a Keurig, you know? You know what I mean? Like, I feel like Jesus in a way…not Jesus. I believe in Jesus and all that, kind of, in a way. Because I was raised like that, so it always sticks with me.
But, you know, I feel happy in a way because it's a good reminder that, like, I don't have shit, but I have myself, you know, at least, like, I'm alive, you know? I'm still young, decent looking. I haven't given up hope, you know what I mean?
There's so much hope. So much hope. We can sit down and have a conversation. There's so much hope. You know, a couple of years out here, your brain can get messed up. And then, I hate to say it, but dude, not everybody makes it. You probably know, a lot of people just die out here. Like, dude, it's dangerous bro.
They call them hungry ghosts. A lot of people, there's just no hope. I'm sure you've met some of these people out here.
I see them every day. Just walking around with a blank face. Like, they're mentally retarded. And I don't mean like, you're retarded, I literally mean like mentally retarded.
It's just a fact. That happens. It's a fact of life. So, can't let that happen.
I don't know if like, it's probably continued drugged us every day for years, right? Is that what it is?
It's absolutely what it is. It's obviously what it is. But it's also like you said, like, I mean, maybe this rings true, maybe not, but like when you were at your parents' house and you're all alone, you go crazy when you're alone, right? So in a way, being out here, it's a lot different. In a way, it's a little bit better than being alone at your parents' house.
I've experienced like this before, the city you know, living in the city with people. Like I could talk to people, ya know.
My friend pulled me into a young adult friend group. We go to St. - - - every Sunday and we hang out.
Nice.
Yeah, we had a meeting last night. That's why I was at Applebee's. It's just like young adults, you know, in New Hampshire. If you want to come out, we usually do 9:30 at St. ---.
Where is it? Can I see from here?
Yeah. It's behind the tree. The one with the cross. It's the Catholic Church. And it's nice inside, it's beautiful. My group goes to 9:30 mass and we hang out after, go out to eat or something.
9:30 at night?
In the morning, bro, in the morning. 9:30 to 10:30 and then we go out for lunch. You're welcome to join us Sunday. If you haven't been to mass in a long ass time, I mean, I'm sure you know how it is, you just sit there, it's pretty boring, right? But, you know, over time, you start to like it a little bit.
That would be awesome. I mean, that's what I need, like a good group of people.
Just a good group of people to hang out with. It goes a long way. You don't feel like you're fucked, you know? The Catholic Church, they get a lot of shit, but actually they're pretty great. They'll help you get to court and get your shit sorted out.
I think I need that.
Alright brother, I have to go work.
So 9:30, St. - - -, Sunday morning. And thank you so much because I definitely need some help when it comes to, the court thing, and simple things like figuring out the next steps.
You told me the steps. You're gonna get a phone, and you're gonna reach out to your network, and you're gonna say, hey, I'm not on drugs, and I'm gonna get back to work doing something I like, and you're gonna have a good fucking life.
I do believe. I believe god can help me through it.
He didn’t say it would be easy.
It ain't easy man, it ain't easy.
Exactly. Thank you for giving a little bit of hope bro.
Dude, there's so much hope. There's so much hope.
I’m gonna get some water and maybe trim my beard a bit.
Hell yeah man.
Thank you so much, and what was your name again?
Chris. I can't remember your name either.
Luke.
Luke. Dude, how do we stay in touch?
I guess if I show up Sunday morning. And I’m always on Elm street.
Alright brother, I'll see you Sunday. What time?
9:30.
Sick. Yeah, if you want to hang dude, come down, and we'll get some food and stuff.
Of course, thank you.
Later brother.
“Thanks for the kindness brother.”
He walks off.
I get in my Tesla and drive to my co-working space, where ladies in bare feet on their Macbooks say hi to me. I open a blank doc and start writing.
“You’re late,” someone says.
I tell them what just happened.
“I told him my friend group goes to church at 9:30. He said 9:30 at night?”
“Oh my.”
“I told him 9:30 in the morning on Sunday. He didn’t have anything to write with, so he has to remember it.”
“You should buy him a flip phone,” Katie says. “They’re like forty bucks. That’ll make you feel good inside.”
I go with my gut, close my laptop, and go back to the street to find Luke.
Part two is coming next week.
Thanks for reading! Hit the heart button to let me know you made it to the end.
Have a great rest of your day.
Photos
Music
What I’m Reading
made a big splash with his first post on Substack. You know it’s good when it leads with “Growing up, I was a mess. Beyond shy. Debilitating stutter. Coke bottle glasses.”I love this line: “most mornings I wake up smiling. Smoking hot wife. Inside. Outside. Two cool kids who think smartphones are for people without imaginations.”
As well, I read this banger essay about health in America, by
whose companies make bone broth and keto foods that I enjoy.
What I’m Watching
A supercut of the Tesla annual shareholder meeting.
Says Elon, “We’re not just opening a new chapter for Tesla, we’re starting a new book.” He’s talking about their work in AI for their humanoid robot, intended to be able to do anything you want it to do. He’s optimistic about these wild projects.
“If I wasn’t optimistic, this factory wouldn’t exist.” The crowd cheers.
“I suppose I’ve been pathologically optimistic since birth, but I do deliver in the end.”
“Who doesn’t want a C3PO? I think everyone in the world is gonna want one.”
“We’re starting a new book. It’s gonna be the best book.”
One of my favorite Elon quotes:
I’d rather be optimistic and wrong than pessimistic and right.
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Pulled me in, made me think & feel. Thanks for writing!
Amazing conversation Chris. Thank you for having it and sharing it.