Dr. Charlatan MD

“Pull your pants down.” 

I’m at the doctor's office at a state university. I need a checkmark on a form to participate in a club sport, downhill mountain bike racing. 

“I’m good.”

“I need to check your genitals,” says the doctor. 

“Why?”

“To see if you have a hernia.” 

“I don’t have a hernia.”

“I need to check [your balls] to make sure.”

“I had four women examine them last night.” 

Silence.

“I cannot complete the physical.” 

I drop my pants to my ankles. “How’s it look?”

“I need you to cough.” 

“Is that a joke?”

“No, I need you to cough.” 

“I’m sorry you have to do this.” 

“Why do you say that?”

“You have to look at penis’s all day.”

“I love my job.” 

“I call bullshit.” 

MD stands for Majestic Dicktoucher. 

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Dr. Charlatan doesn’t want to talk about my life, my food intake, my relationships – Dr. Charlatan wants to make it to five o’clock.

The recipe:

• Natural high-quality food

• Community

• Fresh air

• Sunlight

• Move your body

• Worry-free sleep

Simplicity is a winning strategy. Dr. Charlatan never told me this. I had to discover it for myself. 

Dr. Charlatan prescribed me antibiotics for acne. My stomach digested the outer capsule and I burped a cloud of toxic dust that seared my mouth. The taste of poison lingered long enough for me to never forget. Antibiotics kill microbes and half my cells are microbes. Thanks, doc. Do no harm, eh?

Doctors aren’t in the business of prescribing yoga, hugging a tree trunk for 45 seconds, walking barefoot in a forest or walking in shallow ocean water to breathe the iodine, sulfate and magnesium.

The lab coats are not in business to heal you. It’s a joke. They are leeches in the sterile sewers of corrupt institutions, circle-jerking with groupthink. The essence of the institutional scam is betrayal.

The well-spoken majestic slugs are in the business of getting paid without upsetting their insurance company. And for that, they get to live in the hell they help create.

Millions of people are prescribed psychiatric medication by people who are on psychiatric medication. Keep drinking the tap water and you can join their cult. 

The therapist sees a therapist, the GP is on SSRI’s.

This is not satire. The last MD that I talked to told me he is on SSRI’s. On the same telehealth call, he told me that in medical school they spent one day on nutrition and eleven months on pharmacology — a fancy word for government sanctioned drug dealing. At least he was honest.

“I had my microbiome tested and I’m tuning my nutrition plan,” I told him. He took notes. 

You’re better off talking to ChatGayPT. ChatGayPT won’t ask you to cough with your dick out.

---

I’m talking to a talk therapist. Nothing is worse than people faking an emotional response in the wrong direction before you're finished talking. 

“You’re not listening,” I say.

He talks in a weird voice and I start laughing. 

“What?” he asks.

“You’re talking in your therapist voice.” 

He tries to laugh. 

“How do you deal with the stress of talk therapy?” I ask him.  

“I see a talk therapist.”

I could be the talk therapist for my talk therapists’ talk therapist, to complete the talk therapy circle jerk.

How did talking, just sitting and talking, co-opt the word “therapy”? The dictionary lists “psychotherapy” as a synonym of “therapy.” Why not hypnotherapy, physical therapy, yoga therapy, horse therapy, screaming therapy, writing therapy, sex therapy, chemotherapy or cryotherapy? Why is talk therapy, therapy? 

Forget about “insurance” and “in-network” MD’s. They are Monster Demons. The premium, the deductible and the co-pay — they want you to pay three times. They want you to pay absurd medical bills. The future of crowdfunding large health expenses is crowdfunding large health expenses. 

I am a member of Crowd Health. Last month I paid $110. It includes full coverage of health events over $500, a personal health advisor you can text, free telehealth calls, unlimited virtual talk therapy, for whatever that’s worth, and a $300 reimbursement for an annual wellness visit with any healthcare practitioner. Crowd Health is peer to peer and unlike insurance, the network can omit fat people and smokers. 

Insurance was a scam all along. I want my money back.

---

 MD stands for More Drugs. 

I went to the pharmacy to get pills and they said, “$225.” 

“For some pills?”

“Who’s your insurance?” 

“I don’t have insurance.” 

“Oh, OK, hold on… It’s $10.” 

“What is this insane business you scammers are running?” 

Crowd Health employees negotiate bills and upcoming operation prices on behalf of the crowd.

I’m not fighting the old system, I'm opting out. It’s self-terminating anyway. I do my own thing – cash pay, baby. 

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MD’s, Machine Disasters, are the user interface for an algorithm whose inputs are “symptoms” and whose outputs are patented drugs. Their algorithm is embedded in a large profit-maximization algorithm. 

If you even bother to go to an MD, they will say, “Try this pill. Oh, look at the time. See you again in thirty days.” 

And it never works. People assume it must work for others, but no, it doesn’t. It doesn’t work — on purpose. Healthy people aren’t profitable. Chronically sick people are.

“The pharmaceutical industry, and most of the medical establishment, make the bulk of their profits from treating symptoms of chronic illness. The pharmaceutical industry has experienced tremendous growth in the past 20 years; the research, production, and distribution of medication is so lucrative that it generates $1.25 trillion in revenue in a single year. [2] Autoimmunity alone is a $108 billion industry. [3] There is little incentive to identify and correct the root causes of chronic disease or empower people to keep from getting sick in the first place when there's so much profit to be made. Quite the opposite, in fact. The pharmaceutical industry thrives when America is unhealthy. Vibrant good health harms its bottom line.” 

Stephanie Senneff, Senior Research Scientist at MIT, Toxic Legacy 

“The only treatment modern psychiatry can offer schizophrenic patients is antipsychotic drugs. The use of these drugs is often based on trial and error, and though in many cases they do control psychotic symptoms, they have serious side effects and do not cure the patient. Like most drugs used in modern medicine, they are symptomatic, which means that they only reduce the symptoms without treating the disease. On average anti-psychotic drugs reduce symptoms only by 15-25 %, which means that 75-85 % of symptoms are left unresolved.” 

Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride, Gut and Psychology Syndrome 

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Dr. Charlatan consumes seed oil margarine every day but doesn’t eat bacon because he has heart problems.

Margarine was beef tallow mixed with water — until they subbed in seed oils for beef tallow and rebranded it as “I can’t believe it’s not Butter.” 

I can. 

My immigrant roommate bought the product and ate it because he thought it was butter. The word “Butter” is ten times larger than “I can’t believe it’s not.” I showed him the ingredients list: water, rapeseed oil, palm kernel oil and soybean oil. 

Remember the big three to avoid: sugars, seed oils and industrial grains.

“I was cheated,” he said. Then he continued to eat it. 

My Mom has the same thing in her fridge, but it’s called “Earth Balance.” 

I asked her what’s in “Earth Balance.” She had no idea. 

People aren’t even trying. 

What if I actually tried?

“I’m not a doctor, thank God.”

Mike Ma

Afterword

The inputs for our bodies are particles and waves. Particles include food, air, drinks and things we rub on our skin. Waves include information, sunlight, movement and sleep. Humans and our relationships are combinations of particles and waves.

Rapeseeds, soybeans, flaxseeds and palm are not vegetables.